Day 92

Amsterdam, NL
Holland

I am coming home tomorrow. :)

I didn’t decide suddenly. The realization that it was time to return came on slowly and clearly. I received a message from my calm, collected soul that it was time not to end this adventure, but to begin the next phase. Part II, if you will. :)

You see, about 4 weeks into my travels I had a vision of my future. And the time became right now to live it.

I was sitting in the blindingly wonderful sun on the lip of the Mediterranean in an Italian town called Monterosso. I was sniffly, congested, and conflicted. It had been a challenging few days, and the sunshine was just what the doctor ordered. I wasn't thinking about anything in a deliberate way; I was just letting my brain idle for the first time in a while, and all of the sudden, I knew.

When I began traveling, I had no idea what I wanted from life. I only knew that the life I was leading was not the one that I wanted. I was ruled by fear and trepidation, and I was full of other people's drama (and I told myself that it was because I had a lack of my own. Total bullshit. Everything is a choice, and I chose to take stuff that was not mine. What a completely effective way of hiding from myself, right?) I was angry, despondent, lonely. I was a bad communicator. And nothing was clear.

But after spending 3 months with nothing but my own voice in my head, everything that I was holding onto drifted away. And when the static disappeared, I knew. I saw my life in the way that I wanted to live it.

My vision began with the thought, the extremely fond memory, of being embroiled and entrenched in those passionate conversations we get to have when we are in our element, as a part of a collective, talking about how to achieve a common goal. You know those conversations, right? When your eyes twinkle and you slap your hand on the table for emphasis and can't get the words out fast enough.

And I decided there in the warm sun that I was going back to school to get another degree, this one with a scientific emphasis on environmental degradation and preservation. Perhaps with an additional focus on the ethno-migration caused by diminishing natural resources. :)

I saw myself working multiple jobs to put myself through, and it was all with San Francisco as the backdrop. I saw myself having those conversations, while living out all of the other desires I have created and realized while on this journey.

I cried, I laughed, I knew.

Once I did decide to come home though, it was the most conflicted I have ever been.

It was for all of the right reasons. I missed my nearest and dearest. I missed my Dad. And I felt ready.

But all of the sudden, I thought, no. Not yet. I want to keep going. I HAVE to keep going. And what of home? Was I really ready to return to those things that I deliberately left behind? Was I ready to return to the fold? Had I done enough? Seen enough? Lived enough? I have to keep going.

And then the other voice in my head said, "No you don't. "

I shut up and listened. I've been to 4 countries, at least 20 different cities. I've met amazing people. The most amazing people.

And most importantly, the self-imposed barriers that I created to hold myself back are gone.

Gone.

Looking back on what I've done, I can't help but grin hugely.

I did it.

I did what I set out to do. And what I received was more than I could have ever imagined.

I found the love that was missing. And I realized that I am deserving of love. And that it's mandatory to give myself a whole bunch of it everyday.

I learned that it is possible to have the life I want, as long as I live it through my desires, without consequence or apology.

I can't wait to get home. :))

**When I began traveling, I had visions of creating this amazing travel blog, but besides internet cafes being really inconvenient time and $$ suckers, I realized that it was more important for me to see this adventure and to be in it as it was happening, without stepping out of it too much.

I plan to fill in the many, many days that I have not described. Just you wait.

xoxo.