Defined by others...
I've been locked in my head for a while now, and there are a few things swimming around in here that I am here to exorcise.
It's been a year and a bit since I've been in San Francisco, and so much has changed in my life. Self-initiated, purposeful change, and there is so much that is positive.
I feel happiness in a way that I have never felt before. I am calm, confident, and assured. I am healthier than I have been in a long while, and I have truly discovered what it means to live close to the ground on a budget and without a car. It is all amazing, but there are a few fundamental things that are missing, or more accurately, mis-connected.
I came up here with what I thought was a clear idea of what I wanted to do for the next phase of my career. My vision in Monterosso, Italy had a lot to do with having passionate conversations about being set on fire to make a difference in the world. At the time it had everything to do with going back to school to ignite that fire; to be immersed in an environment that fostered that brand of dialogue.
It also had a lot to do with traveling again. I wanted to maintain the passion I felt for my discovery of my place in the world. I had a conversation with Jason about connecting the dots on my vision...what is it that I see myself doing, and what is it that I am qualified to do? And like a thunderbolt, it hit me that I could stay in film and work on independent media; to become a producer and create projects that illuminated others about world issues. All very obtuse, however at the time it felt right.
So I created opportunity in the film community up here. I volunteered, I interned, I lunched, and I was asked to be on the board of directors of a truly thriving, dynamic local organization. What I realized later was that all of the opportunity I created entailed working for free, and after a close, introspective look, I admitted that I did exactly this to avoid making a commitment. Because in fact I wasn't committed to the film world. As much as I talked about it to others, I saw and felt that I was talking myself into this decision. Granted it took a while to see, because apparently I am pretty good at bringing others along with me with impassioned conviction.
Rather than feel dismayed, I took another, closer look at the questions that Jason asked me: What is it that I am good at? What do I enjoy? How can I make a contribution to the world while making money? And this time around, my answers brought me someplace altogether different.
What I am good at is creating and being in relationships with others. I've met a stunning variety of people during my time in the City, and I have found confidence and clarity in my ability to communicate in a meaningful way. It was a realization that felt really wonderful. And I saw that an effective way to contribute this is to become a therapist.
Of course this is a stunning departure from any consideration I have made previously, although the possibility set my insides on fire...something that was wholly missing from my attempt at the local film world.
The chance to go back to school is an exciting one, and my previous uncertainty created huge challenges in an already challenging job market. Riding this economic hiccup out while getting an advanced degree makes sense.
But here's where I'm at.
First of all, I can't help but feel flighty. What a huge left turn I am undertaking. And going back to school when I am depending on my dad for financial help doesn't feel right. Even though my dad and I have had incredibly meaningful conversations about the help he is offering, I can't shake the flighty feeling. Even though I asked for (and received) his blessing for this decision, I can't shake it.
This is somewhere I didn't expect to be, and everything that got me here begs the question of whether I am ever going to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can find solace in the fact that not everyone does, but I don't want to search my whole life. I don't want to live hand to mouth while jumping from job to job that I am overqualified for...because the jobs I have actually gotten paid for in the past year have been exactly that.
I feel like I am searching searching searching, and spinning my wheels.
How fucking ridiculous.
My mom never wanted this for me, and as she became really sick, she told me how important it was that I have a career, and how proud she was that I created one. I know she found solace in that I would be financially okay when she died.
And then I chucked it.
I don't regret that decision because by quitting and traveling and moving, I saved myself from the half-life I was living.
But here I am, spinning spinning spinning with only a semblance of a clear idea for my future.
I live in a place where my emotional well is filled daily by my beautiful surroundings, and am a part of a community where I don't have to be more or have more than I already do. And I can't help but wonder if my need to have a "career" is just fueled by vanity; fueled by a need to be defined to others by what I do and what I contribute.
Defined by others...that's the rub.
Comments
Keep on movin', Red. Don't stop.