Rhymes With Glee

Currently obsessed with this song...

nobody@vox.com(Felicia) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:32:53 -0700

1-05 Final Home (Piano Mix) [Featuring Esthero]

DJ Krush featuring Esthero

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Dimming of the Day

nobody@vox.com(Felicia) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 22:57:00 -0700

01 Dimming Of The Day

Richard & Linda Thompson

I pressed one too many buttons on my phone as I was hanging up with my Pop and this suddenly played. I'm not even sure how it arrived in my music collection, although the sweeping notes and lyrics are so hugely apropos to my mood.

The past few days have been amazing in what I have achieved and in what I have discovered. I have been both morose and elated over what life has offered me.

And I reside in the fact that trusting myself is the key to staying grounded and real.

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In The Long Run...

nobody@vox.com(Felicia) — Tue, 26 May 2009 15:09:34 -0700

09 In The Long Run

Stu Phillips

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Another thing...

nobody@vox.com(Felicia) — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 23:14:00 -0700

I miss my friends.

I miss you, LA Lovelies. And I feel disconnected.

I miss the peaceful ease and comfort that comes with the certainty of seeing all of you. Whether it's over breakfast, telly, or cocktails, I miss these times.

I realize that this is a result of my decision to move away, and the inherent ebb and flow of friendship is so magnified by my choice.

It's hard to be away from you right now.

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Defined by others...

nobody@vox.com(Felicia) — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 22:54:38 -0700

I've been locked in my head for a while now, and there are a few things swimming around in here that I am here to exorcise.

It's been a year and a bit since I've been in San Francisco, and so much has changed in my life. Self-initiated, purposeful change, and there is so much that is positive.

I feel happiness in a way that I have never felt before. I am calm, confident, and assured. I am healthier than I have been in a long while, and I have truly discovered what it means to live close to the ground on a budget and without a car. It is all amazing, but there are a few fundamental things that are missing, or more accurately, mis-connected.

I came up here with what I thought was a clear idea of what I wanted to do for the next phase of my career. My vision in Monterosso, Italy had a lot to do with having passionate conversations about being set on fire to make a difference in the world. At the time it had everything to do with going back to school to ignite that fire; to be immersed in an environment that fostered that brand of dialogue.

It also had a lot to do with traveling again. I wanted to maintain the passion I felt for my discovery of my place in the world. I had a conversation with Jason about connecting the dots on my vision...what is it that I see myself doing, and what is it that I am qualified to do? And like a thunderbolt, it hit me that I could stay in film and work on independent media; to become a producer and create projects that illuminated others about world issues. All very obtuse, however at the time it felt right.

So I created opportunity in the film community up here. I volunteered, I interned, I lunched, and I was asked to be on the board of directors of a truly thriving, dynamic local organization. What I realized later was that all of the opportunity I created entailed working for free, and after a close, introspective look, I admitted that I did exactly this to avoid making a commitment. Because in fact I wasn't committed to the film world. As much as I talked about it to others, I saw and felt that I was talking myself into this decision. Granted it took a while to see, because apparently I am pretty good at bringing others along with me with impassioned conviction.

Rather than feel dismayed, I took another, closer look at the questions that Jason asked me: What is it that I am good at? What do I enjoy? How can I make a contribution to the world while making money? And this time around, my answers brought me someplace altogether different.

What I am good at is creating and being in relationships with others. I've met a stunning variety of people during my time in the City, and I have found confidence and clarity in my ability to communicate in a meaningful way. It was a realization that felt really wonderful. And I saw that an effective way to contribute this is to become a therapist.

Of course this is a stunning departure from any consideration I have made previously, although the possibility set my insides on fire...something that was wholly missing from my attempt at the local film world.

The chance to go back to school is an exciting one, and my previous uncertainty created huge challenges in an already challenging job market. Riding this economic hiccup out while getting an advanced degree makes sense.

But here's where I'm at.

First of all, I can't help but feel flighty. What a huge left turn I am undertaking. And going back to school when I am depending on my dad for financial help doesn't feel right. Even though my dad and I have had incredibly meaningful conversations about the help he is offering, I can't shake the flighty feeling. Even though I asked for (and received) his blessing for this decision, I can't shake it.

This is somewhere I didn't expect to be, and everything that got me here begs the question of whether I am ever going to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can find solace in the fact that not everyone does, but I don't want to search my whole life. I don't want to live hand to mouth while jumping from job to job that I am overqualified for...because the jobs I have actually gotten paid for in the past year have been exactly that.

I feel like I am searching searching searching, and spinning my wheels.

How fucking ridiculous.

My mom never wanted this for me, and as she became really sick, she told me how important it was that I have a career, and how proud she was that I created one. I know she found solace in that I would be financially okay when she died.

And then I chucked it.

I don't regret that decision because by quitting and traveling and moving, I saved myself from the half-life I was living.

But here I am, spinning spinning spinning with only a semblance of a clear idea for my future.

I live in a place where my emotional well is filled daily by my beautiful surroundings, and am a part of a community where I don't have to be more or have more than I already do. And I can't help but wonder if my need to have a "career" is just fueled by vanity; fueled by a need to be defined to others by what I do and what I contribute.

Defined by others...that's the rub.

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6 Things That Make Me Happy

nobody@vox.com(Felicia) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 19:18:35 -0700

Tagged by the ever-lovely Scooter Kitty via her Lost Between the Pages.

Here are the rules:

Link to the person who tagged you.
Post six things that make you happy along with these rules.
Then tag six others
Let the person who tagged you know when your entry is complete.

1. Soul Singers. Even the blue-eyed ones.

Jamie+Lidell

2. My beautiful City, and the delights it contains.

Right Now

Buena Vista

3. Memories of my Mom.

Mom and Me 1977

4. My amazing friends. Some of whom I haven't seen nearly enough lately.

Anna and Stow Lake

Mel and Stow Lake

3213349472_08161a963a_m.jpg

Euro Fairy Tale 9-07 to 12-07 230

5. Rome.

Euro Fairy Tale 9-07 to 12-07 293

6. This song.

05 Said So What 1

The French Kicks

I tag Alexis, cobalt_blue, ambookgeek, TracyShaun, RPM, and Barry.

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Woody

nobody@vox.com(Felicia) — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 10:16:09 -0800

Sunday was the first full day that I spent with my dad in a while. Our schedules (okay, my schedule) have made it a bit of a challenge lately to get together.

It's always interesting with my dad. I often know exactly what to expect, but sometimes he goes completely off the rails. Sunday was one of those days. He was totally and sufficiently drunk by 2pm.

However, this story is not about my trials and tribulations with my father and his love of alcohol. This is where I get to tell you how it contributed to one of the most beautiful San Francisco moments I've yet had.

In my dad's unyielding quest for Irish coffees around the City, we ended up at what he affectionately calls "The Gay Cowboy Bar." While not gay, my dad loves this place for it's cheap drinks, friendly service, outside patio, and the best pinball in the City.

We've been here together before, and everything my dad loves about it is everything I love too. So I tucked in and committed to making the most of a few cigarettes and conversation on the back patio.

While my dad played pinball, I met Woody.

I pointed out that he had dropped his cell phone and he laughed and said, "I'm a mess, aren't I?"

Woody was anything but a mess. He was gorgeous, with long disheveled hair, a beard, and surprisingly un-ironic Mission hipster garb.

He sat down next to me and we began one of the most intense 10 minute conversations I've ever had. Of course it began with me asking how long he had been in the City.

"2 years. I'm just now coming out of a long period of solitude after being a man about town for the first year I was here. I've chosen a lot of solitude in my life."

"I choose it too." I responded.

"I'd like to tell you a story. Do you have the time?"

I looked over my shoulder at my dad who was engrossed in his game. "Yeah, I've got the time."

"How cool is it that your dad brings you to a gay bar? If my dad was still alive, I would bring him here too."

"He does keep it interesting. Absolutely." I smiled wistfully.

He lights my cigarette and then lights his own. "Do you know the prayer of St. Francis?"

"No. I've never heard it."

"Ready?

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life"

My eyes welled up. It was as if he was speaking directly to all of those things that I have chosen to live for and through...my intention to be an honest and good person, through which I may make a difference in the world.

"A few years ago I was in Paris for 6 months and I was working through a lot. I was alone and sad all the time. What was strange is that I was kind of enjoying it. Just being in that perfect lonely place where I could feel everything without consequence. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yes. Yes, I do." I knew.

"Anyway, my best friend made me a mix CD. No labels or song titles or anything, and it was totally unnecessary because he knew me well enough to have created the perfect soundtrack for that time I was living in."

I nod.

"I listened to the CD over and over and over. The first song was from Sarah McLachlan. I had never heard it before, and the lyrics were so beautiful. So incredibly beautiful. I wrote them down on a piece of paper and carried it with me for the next year. Until I got to the City, in fact.

Do you know there's a monastery across from Dolores Park?"

No I didn't, I tell him.

"My friend was staying there, you know, becoming a Franciscan monk. I went to visit him one day and as I walking through the halls, guess what I saw?

"The words to the song that you had been carrying in your pocket."

"Sarah was singing the prayer to St. Francis and I had no idea until I was in a monastery and could see it for myself."

I shivered with a chill of delight.

"Look it up on YouTube. Seriously. It's amazing." Woody said earnestly.

"I have a St. Francis story too."

Woody's eyes began to sparkle. "You do? I want to hear it."

"Okay." I bit my lip, remembering instantly the experience behind my story, and everything I felt. "I was traveling in Italy and took a day trip to Assisi. It was one of the loneliest days of my journey. The fact that my loved ones were so many miles away felt huge that day, and the sadness I felt over my mom's death was suffocating.

After I got off the bus, I immediately began to make my way to the Basilica di San Francesco. The closer I got to the church, the more people there were walking in the same direction as me. And as it came into view, the streets were full of people making the same pilgrimage I was.

I took my own tour around the grounds and marveld at all of the fresco and architecture, and then I saw a sign pointing down to San Francesco's tomb. I walked down this ancient staircase and found myself in this small cave-like room lit only with candles. The tomb was circular, and I walked around it, noticing the pictures of loved and lost ones that people had placed along the walls of his resting place.

I then sat down in the pews and had this huge emotional release. The sadness I felt was unbearable. I allowed myself to feel the regret and pain and loss that I had been avoiding and sobbed. And suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, it's strength and warmth permeating my grief and yet allowing it to continue. Does that make sense?"

Woody nodded silently.

"It held on, and I continued to cry without immediately looking over my shoulder. I eventually saw that it was a nun. And as soon as I noticed her, she was gone...but not without giving me the slightest reassuring squeeze before she left.

I sat in silence for a while longer, contemplative and spent. I looked up and saw that a large group of people had entered the room and surrounded the tomb. As I watched curiously, they all dropped to their knees in unison and began to sing in a language I did not understand."

"Do you think it was the Prayer?" Woody asked, eyes shimmering.

"I wasn't sure until today. After talking to you, I know now that it was."

Our conversation ended a few minutes later with a huge hug.

"Thank you for giving me a beautiful San Francisco moment."

"Thank you, Woody."

*****
As Woody requested, I looked up Sarah singing the Prayer of St. Francis, and here it is...as beautiful as he said it was.

Prayer of St. Francis by Sarah MacLachlan

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Today is going to be an amazing day.

nobody@vox.com(Felicia) — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 09:34:25 -0800

Serious.

13 Let Me Show Ya feat. Paul Rand

Jazzanova

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Morning, Sunshine.

nobody@vox.com(Felicia) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:36:08 -0800

04 Energy

The Apples In Stereo

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Thank You, Mr. President.

nobody@vox.com(Felicia) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 07:50:01 -0800

02 Je Vous Aime (I Love You)

Donny Hathaway

This was the first song that popped up in my shuffle situation as I stepped out of my door yesterday.

The world is brighter ; lit up with my pride and delight in what we accomplished in our United States of Humanity.

I feel courage and contentment.

And most beautifully, I feel hope.

So here's to you, World. I love you.

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